Is your Mama a Llama?

This is actually one of my favorite books. It brings back fond memories and it's one of the names my girls call me today (at least to my face) that makes me feel loved. I adore being called Llama... it means the girls have at least one frivolous thing they want to tease me about... other than the pineapple upside down cake episode or my dreadful singing. It's a symbol of something I might have done right when they were kids.

We're approaching one of the most uncomfortable times of the year for me. I don't think I've ever put it into words before, but if I were prone to hives, Mother's Day would do it for me. If I were Superman, this would be my kryptonite...

The whole celebration of everything that should be lovely about being a mom... honoring your mother... being honored by your kids- assuming that you've done your job; equal parts of love and consistency mixed with the occasional doses of guilt and public humiliation. Check, check, check and check... at least on my part. Maybe a little heavy on that last one...!

When I think about my mom, I don't have those things. I have a disconnect, a bare spot... a void. I'm not saying that my mom was a dreadful person, she could be quite charming when the mood was upon her. She even had moments when you felt that she truly cared. But ultimately, she wasn't capable of sustaining those moments and they were lost among the incidents of apathy and indifference. My mom just wasn't capable of an emotional connection, of showing affection, at least with me.

And it's not that I don't understand her; after years of trying, I have a fairly good grasp of why and how she became who she was. It's a kind observation in saying she probably wasn't cut out to be a mother, even though in the 1950's that was what society expected of her. And even though she showed some interest in being a grandmother, ultimately she wasn't capable of being there for my girls either, or their cousins. Unfortunately her walking away left them with some of the same doubts and insecurities she bequeathed to me.

As a mother, it made me very tentative and unsure. I did not want to duplicate my mom's efforts but I didn't have great examples to follow. It also left me very clear that whatever mistakes I made would come home to roost and I really wanted kids that would visit me in my old age!

When I see other women with their mothers, I confess to a certain amount of "mother envy" because a part of me still really wishes for some portion of that idealized relationship, at least a sliver of it. I wonder what it would be like to have someone that you could reach out to... someone that was interested, who would have teased you or offered advice whether you wanted it or not, who might have hugged you when they saw you...

I make sure I do that with my girls. Whether they like it or not...and sometimes they don't. Because I love them and also because I don't want them to have that void where love should be. What I've really learned about mothering is that there are rarely substitutions. As much as I adore my step mother and my mother in law and even my beloved aunt... nothing replaces what you wished you'd gotten from your mom... a pattern to follow, a confidence, a patience, an ease of delivery. I didn't get those and yes, I've lurched along until I reached some level of grace in delivering those things, but I hope when my children look back at my legacy, they can say they got them from me. 

Along with the whopping big cheeks!

Can it be next week already?

Comments

[evil chef mom]

your mom and my mom both. i hate mothers day, so we are in the same boat. i try to be happy and thankful but i'd rather be left alone or wish it was next week. what happy campers we are! anyways, i can tell you aren't your mom just by the way you write about your kids. we need an anti mother's day!

[Stacie]

I have mom issues too, though maybe not as deep as yours, but I also have "mom envy" when I see others my age looking forward to visits with their moms or have close relationships..my mom is so negative and critical aobut every single thing I find a monthly phone call to be a huge chore! Yikes..
You're a wonderful mom I bet on it! and you can rest assured your girls will now the love and security of having you as their mom!
Stacie

[Amy]

You're breaking my heart a little bit this morning...I mean, motherhood is hard enough, sometimes. The average mom doesn't also have to worry about how to show and give attention and affection b/c they DO have that experience from their own childhoods. I'm sorry you didn't have a good example in your mother, but it sounds like your own daughters have nothing to worry about.

[Amy]

I just reread my post--does that sound right? What I'm trying to say is, "It sucks that you had such a crappy mom, but it sounds like you're an awesome one." Only, you know, using bigger words and stuff. :)

[Tracy]

My mother had the same type of situation with her mom. And she was a great mother to all 3 of us. Being aware of the issues makes you able to overcome them. You sound like a wonderful mom! I am so sorry you did not have the great experiences with your mother that you wanted or should have had. But, remember, you are a great mom! Just look at that picture you posted and you will see that!

[david]

Wonderful post! I loved it and it made me do some soul searching about my "mother issues"> But what I loved the most was (if you like go back and check my May 1st post) the talking book I got to learn to hear again last week with my new CI. Yes "Is Your Mama a Lama" is on 12 hours a day here as I learn to hear.
Thanks for this post today. It was a treat!

[Kristin]

My mom had very much the same issues with her mother. Naive and 18 when she married my dad, she hoped that her mother-in-law would fill in the void where "mom" should have been in her life. It wasn't meant to be. But she's a the best mom she can be to me and my brother--thereby setting up a fantastic relationship between me and my children. So all your hard work will pay off generation after generation.

Happy Llama Day!

[Hallie]

Mom issues are so complex. Even for those that appear to have a perfect relationship with their mom...

I'm sorry you had that with your mom but I think your daughters are benefiting from it now.

You have struck me as an amazing mom from the very first time I read your blog.

Hallie

[annbb/TSannie]

Sending hugs your way. BTW, YOU sound like you're an awesome mother.

[Mental P Mama]

While my own mother was a complex person, she did love us. And we knew it. I am aware, of things I would have liked to be different, though, and I think it has made me more present to my own children and their needs. It sounds like this is what you have done with your lucky girls. Happy Mother's Day! By the way, have you seen that there is a movie called Beverly Hills Chihuahuas?? Leave it to Disney.

[noble pig]

Diane, you are an amazing mother and will not repeat the past because you are aware of it. I too have the critical, negative mother who just never seems to know when to keep her mouth shut.

Enjoy mother's day for you and let your daughter's celebrate you.

[Linnea]

Hi Auntie,
I remember when I was 7 or 8 and your mom came to visit my sister and me and she brought K2. She actually scolded sweet, cuddly K2 for climbing on me and hugging me. I felt very protective and I didn't understand how she how she could be mad at the sweetest little girl I knew for being sweet. Then she made her ride in the back cubby hole of her two seater Fiat even though my sister was the smallest.

I am grateful for my awesome mom, she is very easy going and I am usually the same way with my kids. I have always thought you are more like my mom than yours. You both have the same big loving hearts.

I'm only in my 5th year of motherhood but now that I have a better idea of what my mom actually did for me I appreciate her even more. I know your girls appreciate you too, and you deserve to enjoy a day to celebrate that.
Happy Mothers Day
Love, Linnea

[Shirley]

I lost my mom when I was 19. Fortunately, all I have are wonderful memories of her. We lived on a working farm, and all did our share. I saw her work very hard, but she made our lives as happy and comfortable as she could.

I strive to be like her. I'm so sorry you don't have good memories. Just enjoy your girls and make sure they have great memories of you.

[Bob Cleveland]

Want a poem about Llamas? Glad you asked. I think Ogden Nash wrote it:

The one-L Lama, he's a priest..
The two-L Llama, he's a beast ..
But I'll bet my hat and silk pajamas...
That there aren't any 3-L Lllamas.

:)

[Flea]

I love Bob's Ogden Nash poem. Heck, I love Ogden Nash.

Mother issues. Ugh. There are many days when I wonder if I'm the type of mother your mom was. I'm not the most emotionally connected person on the face of the planet, and I relate to my boys far better than to my daughter. And she's SO emotional. It's tough being a mom. But I love it. Ugh.

[dlyn]

A very touching and poignant post AG - Mom stuff is so hard isn't it? From both sides. Happy Mother's Day to you!