Letting go (or not)
Wednesday, September 1, 2010 at 6:44AM 
One of my favorite shots (above) of a girl and my her dog. While I've been doing a lot photography for work, I haven't had "fun" with my camera in a while. Shots like this remind me that I need to quit leaving it in my car and bring it in at night.
I haven't been putting much into the blog recently. While there's a lot going on right now, I'm trying to be mindful of K3's privacy and just gloss over the surface.
Testing with the autism clinic has begun, and we sat through a 2 hour intake session last week where we discussed her disability and it's impact in detail. Over all, I like the psychologist. She doesn't quite "get" K3 yet (who would after only two hours?) but she was sensitive throughout the session and went out of her way to make K3 feel really comfortable with the process.
In the meantime, K3 and I continue to try to find the balance in other areas of her life. There has been talk of doing things she has not done before and I find myself really wrestling with decisions. On the one hand, I want her to do the things she's capable of doing, and on the other... I want to keep her safe. And yes, I'm still examining the decisions around letting her ride the bus last year and the accident. I know I'm not to blame directly, and I'm not sure I could have prevented it ultimately (it might just have occured in a different time or place) but my gut told me "no" and yet I wanted her to grow, to have the opportunity. So I said yes even though I had significant misgivings. Sigh...
That doesn't mean I can swing the pendulum the other way and allow my "gut" to be my guide. My gut would love to keep her safely in the house where supposedly, all would be well!
It does mean that I'm wrestling with basic decisions that concern K3 much more. And it's not just the accident... there was an incident a few weeks ago where a young lady (similar to K3) was killed by a neighbor boy that she knew. It's hard not to project that onto K3. It's harder still to talk to K3 about safety awareness when it includes people she is used to seeing in the neighborhood.
I'm happy to report, that through it all, K3 remains happy, funny and sweet. One of the biggest results of the accident is that she and I have grown much closer. And while I'm aware that she could end up depending on me perhaps a little too much, I think for now that closeness helps us navigate the next steps for both of us.
I love that kid.
AG out
K3, dignity, disability in Daughters, What's it all about? 
Reader Comments (8)
I love that pic! What a special and unique bond you both must have. :)
Wonderful portrait .. you do take the best portraits (that is not to say your other shots arent wonderful too) ... making decisions is hard enough but when you do it for your child with a disability its really hard not to worry and second guess ... hell I am kicking myself for a decision we made about Jack's health and he's a cat!!!!
I love her too. And you! Keep your chin up mom!
<><
I cannot even imagine what those decisions must take....and I think you handle this with more grace than anybody I know. I'm serious. And I love that she is right there with you. Awesome shot;)
Beautiful photo. I so admire the grace and aplomb with which you handle the challenges. I think of you guys often and wish the very best for you all.
You do an absolutely amazing job of juggling everything. Although nobody would wish an accident on anyone, things seem to happen for a reason, and perhaps this opportunity for you two to grow closer is one such outcome - who knows there may be more.
Regardless, don't torment yourself over the "what ifs," because we can't change that. You made the best decision at the time - I would argue the right one. I would have done the exact same thing in your shoes - sometimes I worry that I give my own too much freedom, but then in the back of my mind I remember reading somewhere that somebody famous - Einstein maybe? or someone similar--thrived as he did because his mother/father/parent rarely questioned his inquisitiveness and allowed him to do things on his own so that he could learn from the end result. (It may not be Einstein, but just play along.)
Anyway, you seem to hold things together marvelously. Endure the tough times, the tough decisions, and deeply inhale the good ones.
Hugs.
And I love how much you love that kid. You are magnificent!!
Tears in my eyes...{{Hugsss}}