Not so much....

Yes... I've been off the blog. Yes, there's a story...*sigh* Yes, I have to backtrack.

So, there I was... just having met Ben and getting ready to go to San Diego. Beneath all the Wheemaw joy I was having headaches that week but it was easy to say "stress, packing, busy, full schedule" and take something for it and move on. It wasn't until the day before we left that I started wondering why the heck it was so perpetual. But the flight left at 7am the next morning so I threw a bottle of ibuprophen in my carryon and off we went to San Diego.

The day of the flight, the headache was wicked. Again... I had lots to tell myself about "the flight, stale airplane air, altitude, smog in San Diego, lack of sleep". I focused on getting an ibuprophen down every 4-5 hours and by the next day, the headache was better... but again, it was best to take that ibuprophen regularly to avert "the headache" reemerging and spoiling our lovely vacation.

By the time we left San Diego, I'd had a wonderful time. My asthma had been surprisingly high maintenance but I'd brought the entire array of medicine and lungs had responded well. The headache had also been pretty managable the last day or so and it wasn't until we were ready to leave for the airport that I began to realize how many ibuprophen I'd taken over the last week. The bottle was empty.

Ironically, when I got back to Seattle, I felt good. Really good. I was out of ibuprophen but my schedule was packed and I didn't buy any more reasoning that whatever the issue had been, it was clearly resolved. The headache appeared to be gone and Ben was cute and I had a ton of stuff to catch up on at work.

And then it hit in spades.... Mega Eye Watering Headache. So bad that I left work in the middle of the day and drove the 30 miles to my doctor....

...who promptly diagnosed a nasty sinus infection, which was making my asthma unstable because of drainage and which I'd probably had for a while, well before it started giving me headaches... likely much of the summer. The only reason I had gotten better in San Diego was because I'd taken so much anti inflammatory that even after I stopped, it was still in my system when we came home.

The cures included sleeping upright in the recliner, two weeks of heavy anitibiotics, which I'm sensetive to, and lots of Prednisone. Crap.

The prednisone was a surprise. I've never taken it during the summer and I knew it was a new and ugly step down this path asthma is dragging me along. A path I don't want to travel. So much for "seasonal asthma" which is what I've claimed since it set in 6 years ago. "Oh, I only have bad flare ups in the winter... summers are great for me!" Yes, I'm very convincing when I want to feel better about things!

Knowing what my next week or so was likely to become, I decided to sign off for a few days. I was feeling oh so pathetic and sick... so sick and I didn't want to blog about it this time. (yes, I recognize the irony that I'm blogging about it now) Not only do I not want to be this asthmatic, but I don't want to be this sick person. I don't want any of this.

I understand that much of this denial is fear. Loss of control, loss of health, loss of privacy... I don't want the asthma to be out control. I certainly don't want to be publically asthmatic. I don't want... I don't want....Well, we don't always get what we want...

Unfortunately, I had a reaction to the antibiotics and I'm on my second one which is going better. My head only throbs occasionally. My stomach is completely shreded from all the meds (I think). I'm almost done with the steroids and I'm ready to go back for more allergy testing which is what my doctor wants. Bless his heart. He never gets tired of me crying in his office... What a guy!

And there you are... going "that's it? she signed off because she doesn't want to be sick"?

Yeah... that's me. Asthmatic in Denial. A masterpiece.

And how are you doing?