In keeping with the theme of public humiliation I've carried out lately... I've decided to share another story with you. At the time I didn't find it all funny. With a couple decades on it... like a fine wine, it has aged to perfection. It's now ready to be told (I hope!).
See this girl:
- She had some serious mouth hardware
had not been diagnosed with asthmadid not have asthma
- She swam in a lake of naivete and gullibility each morning when she woke
- She weighed about 105 pounds
- She hated the curtains in her bedroom
- She had a horse named Honey Bear
- She believed in happily ever after... and rainbows... and unicorns
Being a hopeless romantic... when invited to this prom, she wanted a spectacular dress. Since the girl made all her own dresses, she joined her neighbor on a fabric store trip. Somehow she convinced the neighbor that her mother thought blue velvet was a lovely idea. (Her mother had no idea) The girl came home with 6 yards of blue velvet and a fabulous pattern for a halter dress and wrapped jacket.
After the girls mother got done yelling at her for spending $30 on velvet, dress production began. Things proceeded well although the velvet was a challenge to work with, particularly in the collar of the jacket and the bodice of the dress where it was doubled.... it was very thick. So thick that it wouldn't go into the button holer. So the girl and her neighbor determined that they would sew the blue pearl buttons to the dress and use industrial strength hook and eyes to hold the dress behind the neck.
So the evil doer came to pick up the gullible, dim witted girl. They allowed their picture to be taken because they didn't think it would come back to haunt them. Somehow they believed they'd always look this "good"!
Yes, the evil doer thought he could "out velvet" the gullible, dimwitted girl, but alas, he was out of his league (in more ways than one). So... off they went to the dance. Because in those days, couple got dressed up and actually went to the dance... where occasionally, they actually danced (gasp!). I know, I know....
So there they were at the prom and the gullible, dim witted girl figured something out. Whoever Bobby Vinton was singing about wearing blue velvet had never set her dainty foot much beyond her front door.... because if she had, she would have discovered two things:
- It was flaming hot in that gown
- Velvet is freakin' heavy... It had to be a 20 pound gown
So the gullible dimwitted girl opened up the jacket while they were dancing.... whereupon the law of physics took over and she discovered two additional things:
- A heavy dress will move in direct opposition to the dancer
- When you release the pressure off of the industrial strength hook and eye, they come undone.
The next year in home ec, the gullible dimwitted girl was talking about prom with the new cooking group she'd been assigned to. Dresses were being discussed when one girl piped about how her brother had seem some dim witted girl's dress fall off the year before. Apparently the poor dear made a run for the ladies room and was pretty much just a blur, but a good laugh was had at her expense. The gullible dim witted girl kept her mouth shut and counted her blessings that she was so new and un-noticed at the school that no one knew it was her.