Dear ZZ Top

Hey Guys!

I just wanted to drop you three a line and let you know how much I enjoyed the show. It was really wonderful to see you again. I did see you 26 years ago but I didn't get to hear you. I should apologize for my behavior that night. I didn't mean to scare you guys. Normally, I am very law abiding but I was having a bad night... and the security guards were being very unreasonable. Let me explain:

You see, that night was the product of very poor planning. For one thing I felt pretty confident having already seen Tom Petty a few weeks earlier and I assumed that this night would go just as smoothly... The Petty concert went quite well except for when I slipped on a spilled beer on the way back from the ladies room and had to grab two inebriated concert goers to keep from going down. I don't think they were thrilled with my quick reflexes but they took one look at me and kept backing away. Other than that, no embarrassing search procedures there, no being escorted off the grounds.

Your concert was a little more difficult. First and foremost, it was August and blazing hot. Second, the guys at the front door gave me a hard time about getting it. The word I got was that they were searching everyone. I felt a little shy about that given that I was almost the size of a Buick nine months pregnant. Finally, after much negotiation lifting my tent smock a few inches, the perverts search crews could see that it was in fact the real thing and we were admitted.

This is where it goes down hill. Apparently the bulk of the crowd subscribed to the smoke em' if you got 'em theory. With our seats being rather high up, the heat, the smoke and Mike Reno yelling about a piece of his heart, my heart was about to pound out of my chest. By the time Lover Boy was done, so was I. I told The Old Goat that I needed some air and I made a run waddle for the exit door. This is where the plan plummeted off the cliff onto the jagged rocks below. TOG was going to wait there for me and I had my ticket to get back in. Unfortunately, I was overcome with the fresh air outside and I got a little turned around. I have a huge slight problem with direction.

Although I was unaware of my appointment with disaster direction, I had turned toward the rear of the arena, not the front. I was moving fairly quickly for a cow when I heard the sound of inevitability running feet coming up behind me. I moved to one side to avoid a tragic belly collision and was rewarded by a gorilla security guard grabbing me by one arm and pulling me up on tip toe. It was very romantic. Before I could speak, a second goon gentleman grabbed me by the other arm with similar effect. I'm not totally clear on it, but I think the general consensus was that they were concerned for my safety, and that of my unborn, I'm sure they would have been if they'd known I was pregnant. The look on their faces was priceless.

I feel certain that moment in time would have resolved nicely if not for the long white car gliding up to us with the windows rolled down. Cue the laugh track, because I think we were all stunned.

Me: "Oh look. There's ZZ Top! Billy! Dusty! Frank!" Do they think it's odd that I'm hanging from my armpits between these two security guards? Why do I have to look so flaming pregnant? Is this as embarrassing for anyone else? Why are they laughing at me? *Waves* "Hey Guys!"

ZZ Top: What the hell did massively pregnant woman do to get accosted by security? Is she giving birth now? Thank goodness they caught her! She looks dangerous as hell! I'm getting a cramp in my side from laughing so hard. *smiles and wave back at the dangling pregnant woman*!

Goons: Why can't she look more dangerous? She's not going to give birth here is she? Are we going to be in trouble? I swear to God she was rushing the limo.

Somebody believed that last statement because I was considered a trouble maker and denied entry back into the concert. So although I was so close I could have reached out and touched you... had I not been dangling... I had to wait another 26 years enjoy one of your concerts. This time... lessons learned-I stayed in my seat! 

So do you guys ever laugh when you remember the sweaty crazy pregnant woman who tried to rush your limo? I still laugh when I think about it!



PS~ Last time I saw you, you had one of those huge tour buses. I'm not rushing that, not even for old times sake.