Dear Neighbors...

Neighbor #1...


To say we got off to a rocky start would be an understatement. When we pulled up in our truck to move in and found your wife's car in our driveway blocking the garage, it was not a great start. When our house caught on fire 3 days later (faulty insert installation), you were right there to have the builder look at yours to see if there was an issue. Self interest, I totally get that. But we had a hole in the back of our house and a hell of a mess. It could have waited.

Then there is your issue with the cats. You want them kept off your property. Dude. They're cats. They kill and slaughter rodents. That's their function. They're equal opportunity slayers. While you may not like them, I can promise you, they are killing your rodents as well as ours. If you can't work up some acceptance, can you at least quit throwing rocks at them? If you hurt them... we're gonna go round. As far as your issues with women... I can't help you. But don't come over here looking for TOG then walk away mumbling like I'm supposed to follow in your wake trying to figure out what the hell you want. When you turn around and look puzzled that I'm still on my porch instead of following, it only makes me laugh. Get your wife to follow you around. If you have something to say to me, stand and talk to me. And don't call me the little woman. That's pathetic.

And finally, perhaps a small dose of reality? Did you really expect to move to a neighborhood with no cats? At all? On any morning, we have upwards of 8-10 cats going through our yard on the way to the woods to hunt. And no, I only have the two... that are ruining your life. You are a very unhappy person.

Neighbor #2

First of all, you scare the crap out of me. What is with all those Russian mafia visits in the middle of the night with the plain white vans. What in the world are you smuggling? And what's with all the cars? You have more cars... and always new cars/different cars. I can't keep up with what you're driving in any given day/week. Do you even work? Are the cars just a hobby... that keep you home all day? I can't remember the last time I saw you leave for work. What's it been? 10...12 months?

Second, you are an idiot. We were mildly peeved that you built your rockery partially on our property after we pointed it out but we wanted to preserve our relationship with at least one neighbor. How did you repay us?

By being a bigger idiot that we thought. When you painted our fence (I know... you painted YOUR side of it...without asking) you had no idea what you were doing. This is what our house looks like now.


Of course, you didn't tell me that. You asked if you could come in and clean some paint off my gate. I know you saw what you did to the house. Butt head. I can't figure out if you're totally evil with a smiling face or remarkably oblivious to everyone else in the world. Either way, the Neighbor of the Year committee is not likely to be swinging by with your award any time soon.

All in all, I cannot wait to sell this house and move on. And I'm buying some land again. And digging a moat. And putting in crocodiles. And lasers. Because between the two of you? You've burned me out on the whole neighbor thing. Oh, and my wish? That the two of you lived right next to each other. Mr Oblivious meets Mr. Self Interest. Classic,



Ps~ No. You can't borrow a cup of sugar.