An Assortment of Favors

Dear Detroit,

Could you please redesign the Buick into a much smaller car? Maybe even smaller than a smart car? The next time I say my ass is the size of a buick, I want folks to think "that small? wow!" Thanks! I really appreciate your support!

Cordially, Asthmagirl

Dear Ass,

Could you get with the program? If I tallied up all the miles I've taken you on, between walking the dogs, bicycling and hiking in the mountains, you should be the size of a grape, not the size of a Buick. I'm putting  you on notice. You've got 1 month to turn the corner or I'm going to start sitting on you. Given your current size, I'll squash you like a bug. Don't think I won't.

Fiercely, Asthmagirl

Dear Lungs,

Don't get me started. You either support your local ass and get moving or I'll take you to Dr. M. That's right. Then the ass gets even bigger. Ohh Haw! Prednisone equals Ass/squared! You need to consider how much ass you want to haul around.

Yours in Fitness, Asthmagirl

Dear Breeder,

Considering the number of times I've compared Maddie's bladder to the size of a grape, I think it's time for you to prioritize your breeding program based on potential bladder size. This grape sized bladder isn't working for me. There's no way if she goes at 11:00pm she needs to wake my ass up to go again at 4:00am... unless her bladder truly is the size of a grape. This is a serious flaw in your breeding program and must be addressed, the sooner the better. I'm seriously considering bladder enlargement.

Sleepily, Asthmagirl

Dear Juan Valdez and associates,

I adore you. You and your little donkeys are doing everything right. Carry on.

Fondly, Asthmagirl